August 28, 2009
Oh, it seems like only yesterday that people were asking if Rob Zombie’s decision to remake Halloween made him a hypocrite. After all, he was the auteur who said:
I feel it’s the worst thing any filmmaker can do. I actually got a call from my agent and they asked me if I wanted to be involved in a remake of CHAINSAW. I said no way! Those movies are perfect.
But a scant while later Halloween II has hit the theatres with Zombie’s name firmly attached. And now comes some very odd news from Variety.
Rob Zombie is remaking The Blob.
Yes, The Blob. The one that starred Steve McQueen, produced a sequel directed by Larry Hagman, and was remade as a gory little flick in 1988. That The Blob.
It’s easy to second-guess, of course. To accuse Hollywood of having no imagination. Although I would argue that it certainly takes a lot of imagination to put “The Blob,” “remake,” and “directed by Rob Zombie” into a coherent sentence without forgetting how to breathe. My own opinions about the quality of Zombie’s previous work aside, one has to admit that his comfort zone is rednecks, white trash, and strippers.
Which makes the key point of his vision all the more fascinating.
“My intention is not to have a big red blobby thing — that’s the first thing I want to change,” Zombie said. “That gigantic Jello-looking thing might have been scary to audiences in the 1950s, but people would laugh now.”
The Blob without the Blob? Brilliant! And I’ll bet there are white-trash alcoholics and strippers involved, as well!
January 27, 2009
At long last I hauled my booty down the highway to the nearest theatre that actually shows all of the new 3D movies in 3D to see the remake of My Bloody Valentine. I guess I considered it a moral imperative to get the full 3D experience - just as it was a moral imperative to hit up my local drive-in movie theatre when they decided to show Grindhouse. And in case you’re wondering, you haven’t lived until you’ve watched Planet Terror while five- and six year olds run wild three cars up.
I learned two things from my visit to the theatre today.
First, I learned that of all the film studios currently remaking horror flicks of years past, Lionsgate is the one that has truly earned the right. They stared down a massively violent, controversial film of yesteryear and didn’t blink by trying to turn it into a PG-13 flick. Good for you, Lionsgate. Horror movies shouldn’t be afraid of an R rating. And not only that, but they made My Bloody Valentine 3D not just violent, but ridiculously so.
Second, I learned that if you’re making a horror movie today and you have the budget for it, yet you’re passing up the opportunity to shoot it in 3D, you’re an idiot.
I say this because My Bloody Valentine 3D - as much as I respect it for being true to the violent nature of the original - is a bad, bad movie. Not just bad on the level one is used to seeing from old slasher flicks, but actually featuring some startlingly incomptetent directing.
Even so, I was able to enjoy the movie. Because it was in 3D. It was fun. The pickaxe flew at the camera. Multiple times. And so did the blood. And one jawbone.
January 3, 2009
(title with apologies to Tom Russell)
"The family! The horror! The family horror!"
Above is a popular frame from Dementia 13. The Roger Corman-produced horror flick centers around the story of a woman who tries to cover up her husband’s death in order to protect her inheritance, only to discover the family has some deep, dark secrets.
Critics love the film, and it remains a mainstay of B-movie fanatics. In fact, it’s tentatively slated to be episode 5 of the horror hostess project. The director shot Dementia 13 as a side project while assisting Roger Corman on a film shoot in Ireland. Corman granted him the use of the sets and actors from his own film provided that Dementia 13 would schedule its shooting around that of the main film.
"I will do this film that you ask of me..."
Above is a popular frame from The Godfather - although the chances are pretty good that I didn’t even have to tell you that. A film that, in addition to being pretty much essential viewing on everybody’s list, also defines the term “awards out the yin-yang.” It was directed by Francis Ford Coppola - who also directed Dementia 13.
One of the things that becomes clear when you watch The Godfather is the fact that Francis Ford Coppola knows how to make a pulp film. For all the epic scope and beauty of The Godfather with its operatic score and its detailed sets and costuming, the movie would drag if not for the fact that Coppola knows how to move a story along. A skill that was learned through practice in Roger Corman’s cheap film factory.
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"Objects in mirror may be ruggeder than they appear..."
The frame above is one of the most popular - in fact, maybe the most popular - frame from a little movie called Duel. David Mann - a common, everyday man on a sales trip - passes a slow-moving tanker truck. The truck driver is insulted by this, and proceeds to chase Mann down and attempt to murder him. It’s usually remembered as “that truck vs. Plymouth movie.”
The made-for-TV action flick was directed by a young scrapper who had been hanging around the television studios for a few years, directing an episode of “Night Gallery,” and even an entry in “Columbo.” While European critics hailed the film for its abstract concepts, the director continues to refer to it as “High Noon on wheels.”
"Don't be silly - I'm much too charming to be a Jedi."
And that would be a popular frame from Schindler’s List - Steven Spielberg’s World War II historical epic that cemented Spielberg as not just a science fiction and adventure director, but as an artist.
But I can’t help but see pulp moments in Schindler’s List. Moments that tug on the heart strings, that slug you in the gut, and that get you sitting on the edge of your seat as surely as any pulp movie Spielberg has ever directed.
Great directors understand pulp. Even when they do great art, they understand pulp.
January 1, 2009
"Don't make me use this!"
Somewhere along the way, movies stopped being fun.
Oh, we still had fun going to the movies. We still had fun sitting on the couch and popping in a VHS or DVD, eating homemade popcorn with real butter. But somewhere along the way, the movies stopped being fun.
Flashback to the end of the 80’s. Thanks to cable, we famously have 57 channels and nothing’s on. But I’m sitting glued to my television, tuned in not to Nickelodeon or any of the countless cable channels - not even tuned in to the Disney Channel for their free preview weekend. (Disney Channel on basic cable? What name so?) No, I’m watching the local low-powered UHF station. They’re showing Godzilla vs. The Smog Monster, and it’s my first encounter with Godzilla aside from the Raymond Burr-ized King of the Monsters.
I’m not even a pre-teen, so the movie might actually lose me - if not for the hosts who pop up between every commercial break. A mad scientist has invented an exploding kneecap replacement that he’s trying to get his assistant to try out. Every time his assistant comes close to catching on, the scientist distracts him by going back to the movie.
Music hath charms to soothe the savage beast, but I prefer dynamite.
At one time, every market had one. A mad scientist, a vampire (or, oo la la! a vampiress), or some other figure from the old days of horror movies whose job it was to entertain and ease the transition from low-budget creature feature to commercial and back again. It was local programming, and it was cheap to produce.
A handful still exist, and a handful even managed to go national. I can remember getting VHS copies of Mystery Science Theatre from my brother, who lived in a market that actually had Comedy Central. And in my teen years I eagerly collected Elvira videos (thanks to her genius combination of two of my passions at the time - cheesy movies and boobs).
Somewhere along the way, however, the creatures began to disappear from the landscape. The labs closed down. The vampires opened their shutters too early and caught a faceful of the sun. And the vampiresses tossed out their low-cut Morticia Addams classics and replaced them with turtlenecks.
"The cable channels! They're right behind me!"
Somewhere along the way, movies have to be fun again. Elvira stays afloat on the Fox Reality Channel. Joel traded the Sattelite of Love for the Cinematic Titanic, and Mike swapped his bots out for the Film Crew and an audio-only format. But the local hosts - while not extinct - have swiftly become endangered.
We want movies to be fun again. We want crowds to go to the movie theatres at midnight - not just in college towns, but everywhere. We want people to head to drive-ins while they still exist.
And we want the old movies - the weird, the wonderful, and the “My God, What Were They Thinking” - to have a life beyond the dollar DVD bin at Wal-Mart. We want them out where people can see them again.
Support your local host.
Encourage everybody you know to help bring back midnight movies.
And, if you’re so inclined, you can help us out in our own humble attempt by investing some pocket change.
Let’s make movies fun again.
"Come on, girls! Let's get this horrorshow started!"